Offense

QB- Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday) - Strong arm, athletic. He can run and pass. Plus if our team sucks, he’s already got his own music video to distract the fans from our on-field performance.

RB- Darnell Jefferson (The Program)- a top recruit from L.A., Jefferson is already starring as a Freshman…imagine how good he’ll be in three imaginary years.

RB- Boobie Miles (Friday Night Lights) - Yes, Boobie Miles is a real person. Yes, he is a cautionary tale when you allow a high school athlete to have a 40 time that matches his IQ. But Boobie is a great inside runner to complement Darnell on the outside.

WR- Rob Tidwell (Jerry McGuire) We have seen how much this guy balls in big games…as long as we show him the money. Hopefully, we can win enough to keep him from starring in “Snow Dogs” and “Boat Trip.”

WR- Phillip Elliot (North Dallas Forty)- this movie was based on the Dallas Cowboy teams of the early 1970’s and Elliot was supposedly based on Hall of Fame WR Don Meredith. But every team needs a gutsy little white WR who probably shortens his life span by playing through multiple injuries and concussions (see: Chrebet, Wayne)

TE- Brian Murphy (The Replacements)- As the only deaf player on our team, Brian will help us win over the “special needs” fans. And we can teach Willie Beamen sign language to make sure this baller gets the ball.

T- Billy Bob (Varsity Blues) - So big, he could play both left tackle and guard at the same time.

T- Bud-Lite Kaminski (The Program) - dominates the line of scrimmage, and even moonlights on Parker Lewis Can’t Lose and ER…talk about a triple threat

G- Jumbo Fumika (The Replacements)- coming from a sumo background, we know Jumbo is good with his hands. Plus he can play E.Honda when our team wants to re-enact Streetfighter 2.

G- Louie Lastic (Remember the Titans) - Our line is so damn big…we got this guy playing guard at 340. Plus we know he gets along with both black and white players.

C- Manumana (Necessary Roughness) - we need at least one pony-tailed Samoan on the team. And he can double as our longsnapper…opening up a valuable roster spot for some hot female extra.

Defense

DL- Steve Lattimer (The Program) - yes, he was on Roids, but this guy was a beast. Plus, today’s designer juice never shows up in any urine tests.

DL- Julius Campbell (Remember the Titans) The Titans gave up like 8 points a game. Part of the reason, was this guy. He can both play the run and stop the pass…at least he did in the movie.

DL- Guard Lambert (The Longest Yard)- Played by Bill Romanowski. Nuff said.

LB- Gerry Bertier (Remember the Titans) - the vocal leader of our defense. A white Ray Lewis who flies all over the field. We would obviously want him before his tragic paralysis in a car crash.

LB- Bobby Boucher (Waterboy)- Just try to pass on us. I dare you. We are sending Bobby Boucher off the edge every friggin play. Run, pass, doesn’t matter. And we’re gonna tell him you perfer gatorade to water.

LB- Alvin Mack (The Program) - Every team needs a guy who takes football a little too seriously and might be a homicidal maniac off the field. Alvin Mack is that guy for us. He makes Bobby Boucher look calm.

CB- Trumaine (Wildcats)- played by Wesley Snipes…before he was Wesley snipes. A lockdown corner. You’ll evade throwing to his side like Snipes evades paying taxes.

CB- Jerry “Rev” Harris (Remember the Titans) - He’s fast and religious. He’ll pick off a pass…and then apologize to you for breaking that “Thou Shalt Not Steal” commandment as he returns it for six.

S- Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights)- The leader of our secondary. He’s heading to Harvard so you know he’ll always be in the right place at the right time. No biting on play action fakes for this guy.

S- Petey Jones (Remember the Titans)- A great find for us. We started him on offense and then moved him to defense where he had a natural tendency to knock heads and trigger turnovers. And with his post-football career on “Scrubs” he can also double as our team doctor. Now that’s economic effeciency.

All Purpose- Earl Meggett (The Longest Yard)- small. fast. we can line him up anywhere or just have him return kicks.  Plus, since he was played by Nelly…we got our halftime entertainment locked up

K- Lucy Draper (Necessary Roughness)- Yeah, we got a chick kicker. But she’s hot. So even if she shanks a 25 yard gimme…we won’t care.

P- Nigel “The Leg” Gruff (The Replacements)- On the off chance that our offense fails to score…we’ll just call on the crazy Scotsman to boom an 80 yarder and pin you down by your own goaline. And from there you can watch…

Our Cheerleaders (The Replacements)… They are all strippers! So even when our team kicks your ass…we can turn your locker room…into the champagne room. Lap dances…are on us!

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